Procranstinate ....

... oh how i used to love this word. Why put off today what you can do tomorrow? It will always be there, laundry, dishes, checkbook, etc. But now, it has a new meaning, without pleasant lazy excuses.

After my brain tumor I started get some of the side effects back, dizziness, horrible pain in by back, just on the left side, and numbness radiating from my waist to my knee. I have to walk with a cane now (it is camouflaged) so you don't even see it. (ha ha) The neurosurgeon did a 2 hour double series MRI of my entire spine and found that I have eight in operable tumors inside my spine. The wonderful/hateful drug Decradron has stopped most of the pain. I have had one round of chemo and have the next tomorrow (Mon). The dr's at USC can only radiate on the two largest tumors that are causing the most side effects, this should last ten days and start this week as well.

I am not giving up by any means, but the dr's have informed my that my treatments from now on are purely palliative - trying to buy time, mobility and pain. There is no curative treatment available. Bitter pill to swallow, thus my silence recently. I have come round back to fight mode though and am going to be much more aggressive in my scrap booking, medical records and love to all my friends and family.

I know many of you want to help, and that is a godsend. Food/meas are always great but, I think I will be good for about the next 3 to 4 weeks. I feel complete when I can nourish my family, don;t know why, just do. But, when I need help I will so ask for it, I learned that lesson the first time. Let people help!!!

I also know in my heart, I have to relinquish all power to God and let him to continue to guide, love and support me. Knowing and accepting this gives me a great feeling of peace (along with an Ativan) that now matter which path my being takes, because of him it will be all right.

I'll end with the "medical" updates now, I am tired. I will get into the emotional distress I am feeling sometime tomorrow after Chemo.

Love to you all, and sorry about the delay in communication, for the first time finding words has been difficult for me.

Heather