... oh my word! Yesterday started so sweet and calm, the sun shining, the birds chirping, Carl left early for a rules class for work, the girls got up early and had breakfast, took Annabelle to school, stopped by my friend Sandy's with Gwen and hung out while they worked in the garden. Came home and Gwen sacked out! Yeah, I can get ready in peace to take her to Grams's on my way to USC for more radiation mapping and hopefully a treatment. I was already to go, packed up, ON TIME and Gwen would NOT wake up. I tried everything, twinkies, icees, coke, you name it she wouldn't get up. So tough strong me decides to pick her up, 35 lbs of dead-weight on a barely functioning body - not so good. I get her down to the second step (from the top) and set her down. She sits and pouts, time is ticking and I am getting stressed. The UPS man then shows up with his trainee and gets all the dogs barking at once, which scares Gwen into screaming as though I cut off her left harm, but she still won't budge. At this point I am physically powerless, crying and know I can't make that appt in LA. I put her on my lap, she is screaming the whole time, I get her pack to the the top step by schooling on my butt, putting a hole in my pants on one of the stair screws. I set her up against one wall and get my phone out to call the dr. I had to call them 3 times because they could not hear me over Gwen or the still barking dogs. Finally, I find out the appt. isn't even until today - Weds at 2:30. I wanted to throw myself down the stairs all that for nothing. Then I get angry, open the door and toss (not throw) Gwen inside, as I do this Cartman, the dog, runs out and the screen hits Gwen in the face and the screaming starts again. Now, I must find the physical and emotional strength to get down the stairs, ignore the screaming kid, smile pleasantly to the neighbors and get the damn dog. He runs around like a dog does,and I just sit and wait, he finally comes to me and I grab the collar and barely get upstairs. Gwen is now pleasant, eating Doritos and watching Dora and wondering when we are going to Grams's. OH MY GOD.
Carl got home by 4 and picked up Annabelle from Sandy's, I just couldn't. When he got home I took 3 yes 3 ativan (like xanax) and I slept for two hours. My body and brain completely shut down. Carl took Gwen to his mom's last night so we didn't have to go through this again today.
The thing about cancer is the perfect storm. Cancer does not care if you have three small children, are tired, hungry, hurting or afraid. Maybe that's the thing that keeps you fighting, reminding you that you are not your disease, you are still the same person and now and them God provides The Perfect Storm to remind you of that.
heather.... i needed to read that today. thank you. i am so small, anxious, and cowardly...
you are my hero. i love you, my friend. may we all have your strength and attitude. i miss you. i love you. i think of you more than you can imagine. xoxoxoxoxoxooxjulie
Posted by: Julie | February 17, 2010 at 06:13 PM
Just wanted to let you know l have been reading and thinking ( and praying) for you and your family since your family photos where taken when gwen was a baby. lm from Australia and have found your wonderful outlook uplifting. l have young children and had my first stroke at 36 thanks to my (brain tumour). Apparently the tumour ran out of room to grow so decided it would make a grand entrance by creating a brain heamorrage!!! l can so relate to walking sticks etc although l didnt camoflage mine l ordered them in different colours to co-ordinate with my outfits. Yes hot pink and my kids favorite-lime green. l also have collected over 80 bandanas in all colours. WE HAVE NEVER MET BUT WANT TO SEND YOU ALL MY LOVE AND POSTIVE VIBES.
Love Kim.
PS Your right, believe in god and he will never leave your side. (Where else do you think that wonderful sense of humour comes from)Lol.
Posted by: Kim Growden | February 22, 2010 at 06:22 AM
I think about you all the time. My computer was weird for a while so I lost my bookmarks and couldn't find your blog for a while. My life has been insane as well but you are in my thoughts all the time.
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