Heather's "I have what?" Blog

The unofficial, official launch of …

I have been operating on the "down-low" for about a year now and decided to bite the bullet and go public. I am trying to upload a portfolio to Flickr and this Blog, but both providers are giving me heartache. More pics will up and available for viewing hopefully by Monday at the latest.

A Mile in Your Shoes Photography

By: Heather Marx Spilsbury

(714) 376-5849 hspils@socal.rr.com www.hspils.typepad.com

Who will document your life? … ME!

Why Me? : I am many things, but the "labels" that stand out most? Mother, Wife, Cancer Survivor and Photographer.

I take photos of everything. The lives of my children and immediate family are very well documented. But … what about me? There are literally thousands of pictures of my children. The problem is I am in almost none of them.

These were the thoughts that kept me awake at night for months while fighting terminal esophageal cancer. Obviously, I won the fight. The first thing I did was hire a photographer to take family photos, not the department store kind, real photos of a real family interacting playing and having fun. Those photos continue to give me such joy; I decided to do it for other people. Photography has always been my passion, now I am sharing that passion with my clients..

Do you want to document your life?

I can provide that service.

• I offer a 3 to 4 hour on location photo session. "Location" can be anywhere, home, beach, work – be creative! Think about places that mean a lot to your family.
• You will receive a minimum of 30 photos (most sessions have 30-50 great images), individually edited, and retouched if needed. (Remember your photos should be a real representation of who you are, (just less blemishes and a few wrinkles!)
• You will receive a DVD of all the photos. This functions as a digital negative that is both unique and valuable. It gives you the option to print, enlarge, share and store your images. A photographers release will come with the DVD.

Fees

• All of the above is included in the session fee of $1,000
• 4 hours includes travel time and session time. Additional time, multi-day, multi-location sessions are available and will be negotiated as needed.

Travel outside of Orange and Los Angeles counties is available, contact me for travel rates.

I have been told...

... that I only write tragedies.  Reading back over my old posts ( I know it's been awhile) and I can't really argue much.  So this post on the eve of my 40th birthday will be full of good things.

Health update:  just had a cat scan and blood work done and miracles of miracles I am still cancer free!!!  No recurrence at the original site and no metastasized disease.  2 years and 8 months after the surgery from hell (thanks Dr. Demeester) and the chemo treatment from hell (thanks Dr. Curti)  and I happily have a healthy life.  Different for sure, but cancer free.  And that makes all the hell I went through worth it.  It seems like so long ago and I think that's a good thing. (sorry to steal Martha Stewart's tag line)  I never thought I would make it to 40 so for me this birthday is especially exciting and very non depressing.  FORTY FEELS FRICKEN AWESOME!!!!  I did have a little mid life crisis and got my nose pierced and new tattoo, but I had my body mutilated in so may ways, I wanted a little "pretty" mutilation.

Ryan Update:  my son is a football beast!  He's the starting center for the freshman team at Pacifica High School.  He really is good and I love that I get to see my young man having so much fun.  His days are long zero period starts at 7am and football ends at 6pm.  Then homework, dinner and bed.  His father, stepfather and I quite like it... no time for trouble  (or girls).  He is taking Spanish 1 and say it's lot's of fun, I like the fact that he actually has a school subject I can help him with.  This summer he grew, he grew alot.  His hair is long,( the little boy buzz I was so used to is gone) he uses more product on his hair and face than I do. He is now 5'10", 180lbs, size 13 shoe and hairy (and smelly).  He reaches down to hug me and it feels so strange to think that this being was once inside me.  I can't wait to see what the future holds for him.

Annabelle Update:  she is a cute as ever and loving soccer.  She is a great defender and loves her coach, practice, games and the cool aluminum water bottle I got her.  She is only 7, but seems so much older.  She is growing her hair long and wants her bangs cut at an angle this week "so I don't look like a baby anymore".  If only they knew how great life is now and would slow down and enjoy it.  She is in 3rd grade, has a great teacher this year that seems to motivate her in a positive way.  She is learning cursive and wants to know why?  She says she has never seen anyone write more that their name or grocery list in cursive. Amazing how things have changed since I was young.  I wonder what is in store for us and technology advances.

Gwen Update:  OMG!  I love this little 3yr old with all my heart.  I still can't believe my body grew something so beautiful along with something as ugly as cancer.  Explains why my pregnancy with her was so tiring.  With the older kids back in school and Carl leaving for work at 1pm, we have fun mornings with her. Friday, her and I took a bubble bath with no one else here to bug us.  It is those sweet stolen moments with her that I treasure so much.  As the little one she is always fighting to get her voice heard.  She has amazing things to say too!  She is very smart, know shapes and colors (in spanish and english), counts to 20 without missing very many letters, know the ABC's and sings that lovely little tune over and over and over, she know her right from left and has an insane memory.  I can be exhausting though, she never stops talking.  Even if I put on a movie or tv show, she talks to it, to me about it ... she is never without something to say.  She is primarily left handed and that makes things fun.  We are going to take just her to Disneyland for the first time this fall, I can't to see her little mind blown.  Maybe the awesomeness of it will silence her ... for a little while anyway.

Husband Update:  still as great as ever.  I love that man soo much.  His work schedule has been consistent for a while.  He works Monday thru Friday from 1pm to around 10pm with weekends off.  If you know anyone who works for the railroad, they will tell you it's a really good gig. He still spoils me rotten and I still melt when he looks at me.  I love being in true, gut wrenching love.

General Update:  we are in the process of paying of all of the debt we accumulated while I was sick.  We had finally paid off all the credit cards and car loans, then 3 days later, we got the news about my cancer.  We are slowly but surely paying everything off again and have really changed the way we spend money.  We are house hunting as well, 5 of us in this little upstairs condo sucks.  It's always a mess there is nowhere to put anything.  Oh! In April we got a dog.  His name is Cartman (as in South Park), he is part corgi and part jack russel terrier, technically a "co-jack", we got him from a shelter and he is a great addition to the family.

I am still working on whole photography gig.  I came up with a fresh approach (I think) and will make a new post directly about that this week.  I will be updating this blog weekly from now on or the awesome husband is pulling the plug, yikes!

I will post new, updated photos of us all tomorrow - (I promise honey!)

It never ends ...

... I have had trouble swallowing for awhile.  Called the surgeon and went in for an endoscopy (my 11th).  Everything looked fine with the exception of two suspicious spots that were biopsied and came back clean, thank god!  Blood work revealed that my thyroid medication was too high and thrown my system in extreme hyperthyroidism.  This is what they think was causing many of the other symptoms I was having, shortness of breath, hot flashes, eye twitching, irritability, shaking hands, hair loss, excessive hunger, horrible exhaustion combined with insomnia and depression.  Fortunately I have a great general practitioner who does thorough diagnostics rather than just writing me another prescription.  I thought I was in a major depression and needed anti-depressants, he said it was possible, but before we went that route he wanted everything else to settle down first.  We lowered my thyroid meds and it will take a couple of weeks for it to stabilize.  He also ordered a CT scan of my brain and carotid arteries to rule out blood clots and tumors.  I had a couple of instances when I got real dizzy and lost the vision in my right eye for about five minutes.  He wants to see if I may have had a "mini-stroke".  I also had the routine CT scan of the rest of me.  I should get the results of all this by the end of the week.

I am having a hard time adjusting to my new kind of normal.  I complained to my surgeon that I was having a lot of reflux, vomiting, dry heaves, nausea, diarrhea, etc.  He reminded me that all those things are to be expected and will never go away.  I knew this, but it is frustrating to feel better in your mind, to have more and more distance from the surgeries, chemo and radiation and the body just doesn't improve.  I couldn't help but think maybe some of this horrible discomfort would eventually subside, I was wrong...

it never ends.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

So I got this email ...

... and wanted to share it with the world.  I know many of you have seen this, but in case you didn't, please read it.  It is very thought provoking and relevant to this jacked up world we are living in right now.

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish.  And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees.  I don't feel threatened.  I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me.  I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto.  In fact, I kind of like it.  It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu .  If people want a crèche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians.  I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period.  I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country.  I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?  I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too...  But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response.  She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.  And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out.  How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events... Terrorists attack, school shootings, etc.  I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.  Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school.  The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself.  And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide).  We said an expert should know what he's talking about.  And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out.  I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.  Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.  Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit.  If not then just discard it... No one will know you did.  But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.

My Best Regards,  Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein

Therapize...

... my new word.  It is something I do almost 24/7, provide therapy to my self through self talk.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not.  Last week it did not.  It was a rough week, school, soccer, back to school night, a failed algebra test, picture day, camping, bible study, dinners, lunches, my birthday, homework,diaper changes, etc.  I barely survived and I don't know why.  I just couldn't get out of a terrible rut.  None of the kids listened to a word I said and I felt I was running on a hamster wheel.  I seriously questioned why I was chosen to live.  I gave up on trying to think of some big "Oprah" worthy event long ago.  I decided it was simple, I was given my life to raise these 3 awesome kids.  To help them grow up to be loving, giving, happy children and adults.  To see the fruits of labor as they became a husband and wives and passed all my good teachings unto my grandchildren.  Last week, I failed that mission.  I snapped at them, yelled at them, spanked them and verbally questioned why I was alive in front of them.  How frigging horrible is that?  I just felt useless and like a complete failure.  Then on Sunday, I went out to Michaels and JoAnn's on my $50 birthday shopping spree.  When I came back I found that Carl had taken a nap (big surprise) and the kids, mainly Ryan cleaned the whole house, including the kitchen and had mad me a bubble bath with a million candles lit and my favorite beer (Stella Artois) on ice.  They were so proud of themselves.  I sat alone in that tub and cried.  After one of the worst weeks on record, when I felt I had failed them in every way, they came through for me on my birthday and did something out of pure love and kindness.  It just reminds me how resilient kids can be and that sometimes bad weeks or ideally days, are sometimes necessary to remind us of the good we do the majority of the time.  This week is going to be great, I am going to focus on the little acts of kindness and love that overcome the bad moments like they did for me last week.  The week was awful, I taught them nothing, but they taught me something instead, they made me realize the big picture I am teaching them something even when I think I am failing.  I love those kids.

Love, Heather

Coming out of the darkness...

... finally!  My head has been so full of dark, horrible thoughts for almost two years.  I tried everything to make them go away.  Then I did something kind of radical for me.  I signed up for Creating Keepsakes Creative Photography Retreat.  A two day photography seminar to help me make the leap from casual photographer to "semi-pro".  I know I will never be another Tara Whitney (the totally awesome chica who took our family photos)  But I know I can come a close second.  I have some editing and some shoots to do before I go for it.  I will set up a portfolio on my blog with pricing, etc.  And we'll see where it goes.  It is just so freeing for me to be doing something proactive with a future.  Poor Carl gets mad because I won't even discuss retirement, it seems to far away to make any plans to me.  As long as I live I will be waiting for the proverbial other shoe to fall, I know nothing will make that feeling go away so I am living more in the moment but trying to make my moments a little longer each day.  Knowing I have something coming up, a commitment to do a shoot, work in the Halloween carnival, etc helps me move forward in a more positive fashion.  I will write more later, Gwen "needs me" to watch Diego with her.  Bye for now!

100% Cancer Free ...

finally!!!  I had surgery Tuesday to remove the tumor on my thyroid and it was an encapsulated growth - so no chemo or radiation.  The surgeon checked my lymph nodes and new esophagus and every thing was clean.  I am so happy.  Now that this surgery is behind me,  and the original bad cancer has been gone a full year I feel I can finally move forward with the second chance at life.  You have no idea how great that feels.  Now, I can start blogging about happy, funny stuff.  I am going to start tomorrow with a biography of sorts.  Everyone that knows my life story says I should write a book.  It's definitely been a difficult ride so far,sure to entertain.  I feel certain I will keep this up, now that my outlook on life has been refreshed.  Remember I started this blog to keep everyone informed of the horrible experience I was going through, it became depressing to think about the blog.  But, as I said that and I have experienced a renewal.  I am going to update the look of the blog as well.  Stay tuned for more ...

I've survived cancer...

now I must learn to control my temper.  I swear I am going to go postal and start taking people down at the pick up line at Annabelle's school.  It is such a nightmare that shouldn't be.   There are basic rules to follow to pick your kids up and there are about 7, yes I have counted, 7 morons that just don't care.  These people know the rules, they just don't give a shit and it drives me insane.  I know that these are the rambling of a bored stay at home mom - but I don;t care, I must vent or I fear I will start taking people down.   If I didn't have Gwen, I would volunteer to wear an orange vest and whistle everyday to control what should be a fairly pleasant experience.  There is the smoker that just throws her still lit butts on the ground, there are about 5 cutters that circle around and then jump in and cut people off, the really rude guy that makes his own parking spot that blocks about 2/3 of the exit driveway, the yellers that double park next to the line and call to their kids to come to them - such a major infraction of the pick up line safety rules it's not even funny.   Everyday I witness these travesties and feel my blood pressure rise.  I remind my self of the pettiness of all this and that as a cancer victim in remission I should just politely smile , get my kid and go - but the rudeness and audacity of these 7 people overrides common sense and i want to do them physical harm.  Please pray for my continuing battle against cancer (5 more radiation treatments to go, then surgery for the thyroid tumor - no date yet for that) then pray to give me the patience and love  and compassion to let these people live for the sake of their children. 

I feel better know - Peace Out!  LOL!!

Burn, Baby, Burn...

... sorry, again, for not posting.  I have really been in a funk the last couple of months and am finally coming out of it.  I thought it a depression and asked the oncologist if I should go to a therapist, his response was that I was smarter than most therapists and to just ride it out.  I have plenty to be happy about, but my brain just had to get around the oh my gosh I am going to die phase and accept the oh my gosh I am going to LIVE phase.  You would think is would be easy, not so.  But, I am getting there.  Trying to force myself out of the house, sometimes I don't leave it for days.  That is about to change. 

Burn, Baby, Burn refers to the beginning of my radiation therapy.  I had preliminary scans and next Thursday,the 17th, I have a chest x-ray and get my tattoo marks.  Then I have to go in for the treatment 5 days a week for 6 weeks.  The only time available is 3:30pm - Carl is at work at that time, so I have to take all 3 kids with me.  They are prepared for this and said they will help out.  The treatment only takes 15minutes, so it's kind of a waste to bring my mother out, especially while I still feel good.  The radiation oncologist says it will take about 2-3 weeks for the pain and exhaustion  to hit.  You can't imagine how thrilled I am.  I finally got my weight up to a healthy 135 and feel as strong physically as I have in over a year.  Now, I am going to get weak, tired and skinny again.  The Dr's are watching my weight closely and if it hits below 100 pounds, they are going to operate and put the feeding tube back in.  I can't imagine I would lose 35lbs in 6weeks, but the nurses seem sure it will happen.  They are going to radiate my whole chest, neck and throat.  I will not be able to eat solid foods and even drinking my meals will be "extremely" uncomfortable.  That means it's going to hurt like hell as far as I can tell.  They are basically microwaving me from the inside out.  I have to remind myself that it is all for the greater good - long term survival and remission, but I feel so good it is really hard to go through with this treatment.

I may or may not have chemo again after radiation.  Right now, there are no visible tumors - other than the one on my thyroid, and my chemo marker blood tests are all clean.  They really can't decide what to do as I am a "miracle" according to all the doc's and there is no precedent for treatment protocols.  I am sure they will come up with something fun - they always do.

I am really looking forward to the new year.  2007 was difficult, emotionally, physically and financially.  Carl was able to take off work without any consequences other than lost income.  I didn't think it was that bad, I hadn't t really been paying attention, but he brought home over 20k less then the year before.  Yikes!  Our expenses increased with the addition of Gwen, and medical co-pays and prescription costs.  We are really starting to struggle and hope our tax return will be enough to pay property taxes and other personal loans.  We had a nice savings cushion, but that's long gone.  I wish I could go to work, just part-time - but be real.  How could I possibly?  Physically I am exhausted, I have 3 kids and could never pass a drug test!  I am going to have to get creative and try to find a way to bring in some cabbage.  Starting Feb 1st, we are going to stop spending so much on extras.  Video rentals, Starbucks, etc your know the drill.  Hopefully it will be enough to make a little difference.

My kids are all awesome.  Gwen is running me ragged,but she is so dang cute.  Annabelle is a learning machine, her thirst for knowledge is exhausting.  Ryan is struggling a little making the usual adjustments to life in Junior High, but he will come full circle and kicking butt in no time-he always does, change always throws him for a loop (he can thank his Father for that, seriously).  I can't believe my son will be a teenager in July, he will be driving and chasing girls in no time, I better get ready for it!

Carl and I have been dying for some alone time.  Trying to think of cheap one or two night get aways without the kids.  Financially, it's just not feasible right now - we may have to just try to at least have a regular date night.

I will be updating my blog much more regularly now, Carl says if I don't he won't pay for it anymore.  I have a lot of cute pictures from the last couple of months to share.  I was going to set them up now, but Gwen just woke up!  Talk to you all soon!  Thanks for all your love,prayers and support - keep them coming for me and anyone else you know that needs them - I am living proof that prayer, love and a faith in God and result in a Miracle.  Miracles are real - you all know one and together made one happen, and I so happy and grateful that you all and God chose me to be saved as a living, breathing testament to His power.

Love to all of you and your families - Heather